So very sorry that you're going through some dark times, but sounds to me like it's about to change. Personally I know the pain of depression, probably much worse than physical pain but you will come out of that deep dark hole into the light! I have written a couple of posts about my journey to overcoming this but also know that we're all so different and have to follow the route that works for us! A link one of my posts on this if you'd like to take a peek.
Wishing you good healing for 2020!