Here's to a great new year in advance guys!
My mate The Duke held up his glass and the rest of us did likewise to his toast.
Cheers!
We had popped around to my mate and his wife's house for some festive celebrations. They had kids too which meant that we could sneak a few cheeky drinks together whilst the kids played outside.
Fancy another wee top-up, dawg?
The Duke pointed at my glass and none too subtly motioned me with an eyebrow over to the dining area where a myriad of bottles lurked.
I don't mind if I do, muckeroo!
I downed what was left in my glass and followed him over to the table.
Fancy a brandy or a rum?
He waggled two bottles at me like a skier with Parkinson's.
Well, me old China. We could have a mix of both! What would that be, a Randy? Or a Bum? Or maybe a Brummie!
We laughed hard at this because everyone knows Brummies are bums.
Ha, good one. Go for a Brandy then and we can have a rum after. I have fancy Tequila too. Fancy a quick shot?
The Duke looked furtively behind him at the wives and then out of the kitchen window where the kids were playing in the sunny climate-broken world of 2024.
Alright then. Can't go totally bonkers though, you know.
I nodded in the general direction of the kids and he nodded back sagely in the way that parents do who still believe that their children have never seen them drunk.
We necked our tequilas then brandy and took our rums to the table where The Duke's wife, Shoggoth and the Good-Lady sat.
Shoggoth's many eyes blinked wetly at our arrival.
HAVE FUN DID WE?
She grunted loudly as she oozed slightly sideways.
Aye, just grabbing a cheeky tequila.
The Duke winked and grinned at his beloved who hissed and bubbled affectionately back.
DID YOU HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS DINNER?
Shoggoth bellowed like a fleshy many-eyed steam train in my direction.
Aye, it was nice. We had my brother over. It was fun.
I sipped my rum and tried not to wither under the acid gaze of The Duke's formidable sea-wife.
DID YOU HAVE A NICE TURKEY?
She smacked her lips as if feasting on the thighbones of a large dead thing.
No turkey, none of us like it. We had tacos! Fish and chicken tacos. It was awesome. Kids loved it. Everyone loved it.
My eyes danced merrily with the memory. I bloody love tacos.
TACOS? JAMES, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
Shoggoth turned to The Duke and flailed her tentacles to and fro as if in distress.
Tacos eh? That would be nice, we had turkey but you know... maybe we should have tacos next year. Change things up a bit!
The Duke beamed at the thought. Like all good people, he loved spice. It was only the truly wicked who didn't.
TACOS? ON CHRISTMAS DAY JAMES, ARE YOU DINGING MA BELL?
Shoggoth stirred angrily, sand from the seabed wafting up around her in great clouds.
TURKEY, THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE FOR CHRISTMAS. NOT BLOODY TACOS. NO WAY WILL WE HAVE TACOS. ON CHRISTMAS?
She turned back to me, her many mouths gnashing shut with mighty clicks and snaps.
TACOS...WHAT DID YOUR BROTHER THINK OF THAT? WHAT DID HE MAKE OF THE TACOS WHEN YOU SERVED THEM UP TO HIM?!
She shifted her weight up and down in consternation at the idea of my brother being so insulted.
He loved them, absolutely loves a good taco. To be honest he loves them a wee bit too much, especially the fish ones. You know what I mean?
I winked at Shoggoth and gave a flirty tilt of my head.
WHIT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. JAMES, WHIT DOES HE MEAN? JAMES?
Shoggoth's tentacles and frilled underflesh parts whipped back and forth in distress.
He's just messing about, love. Never mind him.
The Duke made a warning motion my way with his hands and I realised then that his wife was bonkers drunk.
LOVES THEM TOO MUCH? HOW CAN YOU LOVE THEM TOO MUCH? A TACO'S A TACO?!
She wailed confusedly.
I was going to joke that he loves them so much he would shag the fish ones if you let him.
I sniggered like a mischievous schoolboy at the thought.
SHAG THE TACOS? JAMES, WHAT IS HE TALKIN ABOUT? YOU CANNAE SHAG A TACO? THAT'S NO RIGHT?!
Shoggoth rose to her full monstrous height and blinked furiously as if waking up from a dream.
AH THINK AH NEED A WEE DISCO NAP ACTUALLY.
She looked at me sideways and tromped off muttering about shagging fucking tacos.
I grinned a little sheepishly.
Sorry mate, I was just joshing.
The Duke waved away my apology as he watched his missus depart with some obvious glee.
Once she had cleared the room he turned to me and the Good Lady.
Tequila anyone?
